Hi A!

Things with work are clicking along. It's nice and I really enjoy it. I'm lucky that way. I know you were always amazed that I didn't necessarily know what was coming next work-wise, and I didn't freak out about it, that you always did on my behalf was really endearing. You were such a Class "A" Worrier. It's the way you love us all. I know.

It reminds me of the saying ornamental plate you gave me that hangs over my kitchen door:
"When you are really stressed out, the cure is to put two minature marshmallows up your nose and try to snort them out."

I hope you have minature marshmallows in heaven!

Much love,
Mary

Hi A.,

I just got home about an hour ago. I'm beat. The flight was good and I had a good chat with Mike on the way home. He heads to Isreal Saturday night. He's really looking forward to going, and I hope it will be a good trip for him. Also just talked to Tom. What sweeties. Your boys are good men.

Dad was having a less than stellar day today. He was feeling burned out, depressed and overwhelmed. I offered to stay longer, but he wanted me to be at home with James, and though I could work from Beachwood as well as here, there is some logic to it. It's nice to be home and see my boys again. They are doing well. Bill is putting in a lot of hours at work, and James is in a good humor. I'm so happy to see them again.

But back to Dad. I went to work with Dad today on the way to the airport. I talked to Carol - the clinic executive director. She's an interesting individual. I think we'll be able to help Dad cut back if he wants to, but keep working for a while. I think the sturcture (and honestly income) will be helpful. He's just going to have to cut back on his cash outflow. Not that he's really spending that much per se, but we'll need to figure out a reasonable budget so that he can get the work done on the house, pay his bills and take care of himself, both in the short and long term.

The money from the sale of the house, as well as his very fixed income will be all he'll have for potentially 20 more years. And if, heaven forbid, he develops some illness and needs more long term professional care, his already limited resources will quickly evaporate. It's a sad truth, and one I hope we can avoid. But the chances are that it is something we may have to face down the line. And we need to be prepared for it.

I don't meant to sound morid. I'm just trying to be realistic.

As Dad said today, there are a lot of little steps and decisions that have to be made. Changes don't have to happen too fast, and it is his life that is morphing into the next phase. I just want what's best for him, for him to be happy and free from worries about money and for him to be able to accept the love and generousity and warmth that he's always given everyone else so freely. For all of us who love him so much, I hope he will feel that. Often accepting love of others is the hardest gift to be able to give ourselves.

I was touched by how much everyone at the clinic in Shaker Heights really adore him. They all want what's best for him. We all do.

And though it is a lot of work, I can't think of anyone more worthy.

Adri, thank you for taking care of my Dad for so long and for helping both him and me learn to love over these many years. I really miss you Adri. I wish I could hear your voice on the phone, and laugh with you. For years you called me, worried about Dad. I'm honored to take over that worrying for you, but I miss having you here to share it with me.

I love you too A., thank you.

Mary

Hi A.,

I've been working on the grand plan all day. Or at least between calls to Joannie (She says HI!!), Keith, Marcia, and Tom and EVERYONE else. It's been a good day though. I'm working on the plan, and it's a good size table. There is plenty to do. Here's the rough time frame:

Settle Adri’s estate - April - June
Retirement plans made - April - May
House fixed up - May - July
Stuff sorted out - May - July
House on market - July - ?
NM moved to Georgia - August - October (?)
New household set up - August - October (?)

I have it in a much prettier table but it doesn't work here on the blog. Bummer.

The detailed table is already 4 pages long. Damn, There is a LOT to do. The house, the estate, the stuff... and stuff and stuff and stuff. But that's fine. It's all JUST STUFF.

This may be optimistic, but if Carol (The Office Manager at the Clinic) finds a replacement sooner for NM, things will move faster. Evidently there may be someone in the que, but it's hard to know. And NM still has a lot to decide. So it's all pretty fluid right now.

And I appreciate everyone's support and generousity. It really helps. And I know Dad appreciates it too. He's such a sweetie. You did good. Thanks A.!

Miss you.

Kissy Kissy

Dear A.,

Dad overheated his coffee this morning in the microwave. Not a problem, but perhaps indicative of the situation... old reheated coffee boiling over in the microwave, and so Dad had to pick up a fresh cup from somewhere when he goes out on his way to work. Okay, maybe a bit dramatic, but it was telling. Of course I just spilled tea on everything, so maybe the eclipse is impacting gravity today. (A temporary reprieve from the "Law of Gravity" for hot beverages perhaps?)

Anyway, I asked him what I could do for him today. He sweetly muttered "Make a plan for what I need to do."

Okay... I will.

I wonder if he realizes that mapping out the complicated plans for huge projects is what I spend a lot of time doing for work? We do things like "logistical frameworks" which spell out what has to be done, objectives and then goals and activities. For each activity we indicate the outcome indicator, the monitoring indicator and source of verification and the assumptions and risks.... good heaven's that looks like a lot of obsfication that doesn't need to be there... and yet, in my little world, we have to have it.

I don't need to go to that degree of detail immediately, and I don't want him to feel overwhelmed. So I'll draw something up today, and hope to post it here. Of course I will appreciate any comments or feedback from folks to, so please don't hesitate to comment!

Happy Happy Fun Fun!

Actually, you know I like this sort of thing, so ...geek that I am... IT IS!!

Kissy Kissy!!
Mary, The Wicked Step Daughter

The Matthews Siblings (L to Rt. Bob, Nancy, Norman, Frank, Jean)

Note the resemblance

Dear Adri,

Another day with Dad. It started off sort of tough for him. He's dealing with depression and such some, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. It's not like " ...gee, do I have a vanilla or chocolate ice cream on my hot fidge sundae?" sort of decisions he's wrestling with here. THESE are the BIG ONES. Okay, A., you went through it with the heart transplant, I know. It was tough. for him, we are talking about whole life changes. New life, new area, new home, and new stuff to do, and no you there to travel it with him. Hell, it's depressing even for me.

On the other hand, despite some rough patches, it's been a good day, we've gotten a lot done, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel - assuming it is not the headlight of an on coming train....

He's talking more about wanting to retire soon, giving notice etc. We talked to Keith today. It looks like NM will be able to afford to retire, and live comfortably if modestly. Everyone keeps saying "IF he can live in a budget." What they don't seem to recall is that he really was into inflatable furniture before you came along to put some structure in his life. Not that he'll be living on cardboard again, by any means.

But he will have to really learn that to be able to be as generous and supportive to himself as he's been to everyone for all these years, he's going to have to be a good bit tighter with his cash flow when it comes to helping out other people. He wants to travel, to go see Tom and Mike and Sam and Caryn and Nikki. He wants to be able to not wake up worrying about money every morning. If he could just have that peace of mind, that bit of rest, that would be all I would ever hope for him. I know you agree.

The thought of him possibly moving to Georgia just makes me just giddy. I'd love to have him so nearby, for James to get to spend some time with him, and for Bill too! And really, I'd love to have him around. I've missed him for these many many years. Like right now, he's currently singing some diddy as he ends his day puttering around the house and I just cherish that. He did it when I was a kid and it's such fun to hear him do it as he wanders from critter to critter saying good night. (Good GOD what are we going to do with that LIZARD???) Oh stop laughing. I know you are. I can just hear your giggle turning into a cackle at the thought of transporting that wretched creature... you died just so that I would have to deal with it, didn't you!?!

Of course not. But only because you didn't think of it!

Oh, I talked to Tim today. (Tim Turner not Tim Hannan...) It seems that things are moving along well with the project. There are some snafu's in the way that could be road blocks, but I'm okay with it. It's just par for the course. Tim was in a good humor, agreed with my budget estimate ($43K to finish out the project!! DAMN!! Not bad!! Especially if we can get that cache of cash we should be able to....) Tim is very understanding of the situation here, and very supportive. He's a sweetie. (when I am not ready to kill him!) And He and Thea (his lovely wife) have found a house FINALLY in Cheltenham, UK!!! I'm so happy for them!!

So, tomorrow, Dad goes back to work, and I'll be doing work stuff here at the house. I'll be back up here in May, I'm sure. And yeah, I know, you gasp at the thought of me going to Iran, but I'm still hoping to get my visa. (Fingers crossed.) I really want to do this project and do well with it. I know, you are still freaking out. But please don't. You can go with me as my guardian angel. And I promise I'll be okay. Or at least as close to is as I can come.

All righty, Lovey, I ought to end here. No point in becoming tedious. I know you are sitting in the chair just behind me. And Boston Legal is on. I know you love that too.

Talk to you soon!

Kissy Kissy!!

Dear A.,

Dad is really lost without you. I'm doing what I can to help take care of him, like you said, but he'd appreciate a sign from you as well. Seems you've visited a lot of us in our dreams etc. but not NM. He'd appreciate it if you'd drop in and tell him how you are doing. I mean, if you aren't too busy and are allowed to... of course, if you are in charge of his guardian angels, I'm sure things are pretty hectic. Still, we're working on it.

In the meantime, I thought you might enjoy this picture from my last visit up here, 6 days after you left.

It's just not the same at all around here without you. (Of course if it were, it'd be really strange, now wouldn't it? )

Thanks for taking care of him for all these years. It's made him so happy and proud that he could have a marriage that really worked. He didn't believe he could before you, and now he knows it's possible. He's so proud of that. And he really deserved to be. You did a great job of being his wife. I really love you for that too.

Mary

p.s. if you could give us a sign as to where you put your car title, that would be really helpful too!!

Dear Adri,

I hope you are doing well.

I'm in Cleveland now. Jeremy is explaining to Dad how to find the TVod "Desperate Housewives". NM has been enthralled with the first Harry Potter movie most of the evening.
The house is relatively clean and quiet. Nik and Jer had a gathering of their friends here today. They both seem tired.

Dad and I had dinner at Corkie's tonight. We talked about what he wants to do next and what I can do to help him while I'm here. I'm only here for 3 days, and I would like to get a lot done. On the other hand, I know I can't rush him to make decisions he's not really ready to make yet. Still, there is a lot to do, and since I probably won't be here again for a month or more - depending on my Iranian visa....it would be nice to get things moving. Or at least be as helpful to him as I can.

I get the feeling Dad needs a Dumbledor to come and keep an eye on him. He really wants to retire, and he seems so weary. He's already told Carol, at the clinic, that she will need to look for some one else. But time frames are hard to come by.

Speaking of which, I am hoping that Keith has put together a list of what NM needs to do to retire. He said he's working on it. I think that will help Dad know what his options are at least. Dad seems lost, and really I would be concerned if he weren't. Loosing you has been a real shock to him. He seems terrified of ever having to date again. I've told him he can't date until he's at least 85. He seems very relieved at that.

Okay, I know you are wondering about the Iranian visa and Mexico and all that.

You know, I am supposed to go to Iran to finish the stakeholder analysis on the Kura/Aras project. Tim is working on that for me, and hopefully, INSHALLAH, I'll be able to get one this time. I would love to see it.

I don't know. If I get approval, I'll go to Azerbaijan and spend some time there getting it processed. It will be nice to be in the region again, and I can meet with folks there. Lots and lots to do. Hopefully I will be able to take an old laptop to Teyyub, the dear guy who works for me. He is ready for it and will be much more help to me once he's typing and producing documents. He is a smart guy and it would be so good for him.

As for Mexico... the meeting was really great. It was good to see so many people, but it was sort of ironic that we really couldn't drink the water and were all so terribly dehydrated. The meeting was interesting - I got to learn a lot and meet a lot of neat people.

At one point I was talking to the head water guy for ADB (Asian Development Bank) and asked if he knew Andy Hudson- the head water guy for UNDP I've been working with for 6 years but never met. Wouter, from ADB smiled and said, I can't say I've seen him today, but it sounds like a Charlie's Angel sort of situation!! It was cute, given how much I do not resemble one of the angles.

Another fun thing about the meeting was getting to hang out with my pal Tim Hannan. Tim Hannan is not Tim Turner, my boss, but a Canadian guy who is very similar to Tim Turner. It's now the Tims. Anyway, Tim Hannan is a very down to earth guy, who doesn't get rattled by much. He's a pleasure to hang out with. He has worked in Central Asia for a long time and knows the region well. He's now working as the Shared Water Basin Advisor for UNDP. Sort of a cool gig.

Anyway, he and I were invited to join the Tajikistan Minister Economy and Water for dinner by the Tajikistan Embassador to the United Nations. It was a great evening, banquet style, but instead of shashlik it was fajitas, and instead of vodka - tequila. Yes it took on a whole new feeling. But it was lovely to get to meet with them, speak some Russian and at the end of the evening they gave me a beautiful velvet embroidered vest-robe. It's really stunning. Here's a photo of it: (oops at the top of the page!!)

And also a photo of the banquet!!

Okay, I'll send this now and give an update later... sorry it is a bit late... things have been hectic.

My love to you all!!

Kissy Kissy!!

Mary

Dear Adri,

I hope things are going well with you, where ever you are. It's Saturday afternoon here, I'm in Athens, and getting some stuff done before heading up to Cleveland tomorrow. I'll get in about 6:00 p.m. It will be good to see Dad again. He's asked me to come help him with sorting some stuff out, and I am glad to do it. There certainly is plenty to do.

You know, one of our last conversations, on the phone, I was telling you about James and school. You're comment regarding James and Buster and all the rest is that "you kids will have to figure out how to deal with that on your own." Did you mean "I'm gonna croak soon, and you all can't rely on me for advice" or was it more "Yep, raising kids is tough, and you kids are going to manage"? Please tell me it was the second. I'd feel better.

James is needing to take school more seriously than he has been. He's certainly bright enough. It's an issue of his independence.... I know. I know. I know.

On the other hand, how you managed to keep your sanity with 8 teenagers in the house, much less be able to speak in full sentences 20 years later, AMAZES ME!! And honestly, not taking school seriously enough was the least of our problems. Okay, so maybe not so much with the sanity, but you managed. Thank you.

But you know, you also often said you felt like you hadn't been the best mother you could have been. I always hated to hear you say thay, because it WAS a tough time for all of us. And we all made the best decisions we thought we could. And I really believe that. It's just funny being on the parenting end, and constantly feeling like there is something else I should be doing. I guess that's just what parenthood it about - learning to live with second guessing yourself, and loving someone more than they love themself through the hard times.

I just talked to Tom. He's hanging in there. Moira is going all out to make him miserable. It's a pity. She was never our favorite person, but like DAMN!! Why does she need to be so ridiculously vengleful? And she's hurting her kids more than any one. Tom will manage, one way or the other, but the children...See, A., by comparison, you did pretty well on the Mom front!!

Anyway, Tom had a sweet idea. He suggested that if anyone else wants to write letters to Adri, that they can too, to send them to me and I'll post them here. You all know how to reach me, and if not, let me know by leaving a comment, and we can figure it out. As Tom said, it would be like a post office to heaven...? Damn, that's a pretty significant mission for a blog. On the other hand, the postage would be interesting to calculate... :)

Okay, I have to go figure out some billing for a project, and then the budgetting for another. It's a tough choice which I would rather deal with - budgetting for projects or a harrassed teenager...
hmmmm.... Yeah, well A, I hope YOU are having a good day. And somehow, I suspect you are.

Oh, by the way, if you can haunt Moira a little, you know, just creepy wierd stuff to make her question her sanity, that would be really cool. I know you're ability to hold a grudge has to linger over several lifetimes and since you're better able to do it now.... ooohhh!!! You could magnetically erase all her credit cards so none of them work when she is out indulging in her consumer-beast shopping addiction, or you could magically make all her shoes half a size to small... just something to let her know you're still in there!!

Okay, back to work. Much love to you. We miss you lots, and yeah, I'll cover that goofy Mexico trip in a bit...

Ta Ta!!

Love,
Mary

Dear Adri,

I just sent out an e-mail letting everyone know I was writing this. Okay not everyone, but the initial cast of characters, and yet there are so many more. Let's just see how it goes.

I promise not to be so depressing. That first one was sort of a bummer. Of course you up and dieing on us sort of sucked too. I know, you didn't mean to, and at least you went with the dogs and Dad in bed. That was pretty classy of you, really.

Since it is Friday, and I know you'd be waiting for Dad to get home, you' d have called for the debriefing by now. There is a lot to tell. It's also James Friday, and dinner just arrived home with he-who-shall-not-be-blogged-and-never-to-be-mentioned-here-again, I need go eat. I'll update you more soon on the conference in Mexico and upcoming stuff too.

Miss you much, and much love to all!!

Kissy Kissy Bye Bye,
Mary

Dear Adri,

Okay, so you’ve died. You watched the Super Bowl. You went to bed and as Dad said you woke up dead. We all really miss you. I know, you didn’t mean to die, and since you did, and I can’t call you to talk about what’s going on, I’ve decided to write to you instead. I was on the shuttle back from the Atlanta airport yesterday (and Mexico) and really wanted to call you. I miss doing that. So the idea to write you in a blog seemed to be an alternative.

Actually, I am writing to everyone that knows you and loves you. (We still do, you know!!)People came up to me at your memorial service and asked me to stay in touch and tell them the funny stories from my travel that I always loved to share with you. (Your memorial service was lovely, and packed, and Nik did a really great job with getting things organized.)

At the memorial service, I told people about how you and I fought like cats for the first years of your marriage with Dad, and then you suddenly had a step mother, and I had a step child and we looked at each other and said “I’m so sorry!!” and suddenly we became best friends. You were my best friend for 15 years and now I’m starting to feel so lost without you.

I really miss you Adri. I miss talking to you every day and your wonderful, often dark, and always absurd sense of humor. I can’t stop traveling or this crazy independent consulting job because you’ve died, but it isn’t the same with out you. I miss coming home and being able to share my bizarre adventures with you. Or being able to call you and tell you about the neat new developments with work. So I’ll do this instead.

Please forgive me if I can’t write everyday. I hope people will let me know what they think. This is for Caryn and Joannie and Kari and Mike and Tom and Nikki and Aunt Jean and Aunt Nancy and Christy and Sue and everyone else. I know it is sort of impersonal, but time is limited and don’t want to lose touch with people.

It was funny A, Tom wasn’t able to make it to your memorial service. He tried, he really did. But everyone seemed to know him so well because we all read his blog. I was inspired and this seems like a good way to do that.

Plus the other day I was in a coffee shop in Mexico City, talking with a really nice guy from Vermont, also in the consulting business. We were talking about transparency and the work we do. Who listens to our conversations and what they do with the information... that sort of thing. At the memorial service it seems that everyone thinks I am a spy. Okay, I work internationally with governments, but um…. Sorry, no secret intrigue here. And I wouldn’t admit it if it were… but still, I do get to go some really neat places. And I guess folks might be interested in that, as well as what’s going on with Dad and that sort of thing…

So I’ll try. I’d be happy if people read this. I am really writing it for them. But I’ll address it to you. It just seems absurd enough…

Next time I'll write to you about Mexico City, the World Water Forum (where 14,000 water specialist couldn't get enough water to drink and we were all dehydrated...) and other little wonderful absurdities of this life we live. . . I know you'd like that.

I've gotta run, but will get this off to you now.

I miss you Adri. We all do.

Kissy Kissy!!

Mary